Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
