I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
