I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
