some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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