I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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