I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
