you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
did you just send me my own nude
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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