I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
