allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
