I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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