My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
