oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
