Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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