Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.