Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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