Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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