I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
