The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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