I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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