A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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