I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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