Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
