I'm jealous of your bromance
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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