Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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