i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
