Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
