bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
