my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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