he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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