Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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