Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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