Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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