saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
