I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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