did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
