woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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