Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
