someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
