Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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