He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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