He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
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it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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