I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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