I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
