six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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