i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
