This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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