So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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