I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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