I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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