so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
