I faked an abortion last night.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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