And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
