Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
