my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
