I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
