Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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