Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
